There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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