if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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