The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize