1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
