Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
