i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
