Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
