Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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