If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I would ride that face into the sunset
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
