apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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