Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
