We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The uberlube is also flammable
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
