I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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