I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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