I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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