You don't have asthma, your pregnant
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
