You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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