you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
