if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
