That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
