when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
