That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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