My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
