When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
