Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
