I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
