So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
