My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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