Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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