I wish I only lived at night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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