Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
