I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
