If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
