There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
