I want to have your abortion
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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