you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
