; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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