Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
