I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
