i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
