My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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