dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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