went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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