dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
