these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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