I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize