Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
