too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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