why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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