The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
