Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
