Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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