Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
