He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
