I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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