I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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