oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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