I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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