sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
