Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
