What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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