And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
