Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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