I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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