it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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