You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
