Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
